- You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you are married.
The classic mistake: Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if u can't be happy with the person the way he/she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after they're married... for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills & personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they're now.
- You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is here but have u carefully checked out this person's character? Here're 4 character traits to definitely check for:
- Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
- Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does she/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
- Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he is going to do?
- Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want or have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him/her?
- U pick the wrong person coz the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it's the man who just doesn't "get it .The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she's the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. When the man forgets about his own needs & focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
- You choose the wrong person coz u don't share a common life goals & priorities.
There're 3 basic ways we connect with another person:
-chemistry and compatibility
-share common interests
-share common life goal
Make sure u share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of u will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, u must figure out what you are "living for," while you're single -- and then find! Some one who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate – two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
- U pick the wrong person coz u don't have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this
person?" We're impressed by a Mercedes. We don't respect someone coz they own a Mercedes. U should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
- U pick the wrong person coz u choose someone with whom u don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful & relaxed with this person? Can I fully express myself w/ this person? Does this person make me feel
good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person u marry makes u feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? U should not feel u need to monitor what you say coz you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you are afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem w/ the relationship. Be on the look out for someone who's always trying to change u.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control u. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change u. There's a big difference between controlling" & "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
- You pick the wrong person coz u don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers u about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way. To evaluate how
well the two of u communicate, negotiate and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. U need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers u. This is also a way for u to test how vulnerable u can be with this person. If u can't be vulnerable, then u can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
- U pick the wrong person coz u use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you will probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage doesn't fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You will feel better and your future spouse will thank you.
- You pick the wrong person coz he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that u and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle can't be fully emotionally available to u. U will not be their number one priority.
And those are no basis for a marriage.
Posts
